Tarin's Old Journal

This journal has now moved...

2004-07-08T06:26:58Z

I was getting sick of a couple settings that I couldn't change and whatnot, so I just up and made a new one. I'm sorry about any confusion this may cause. My new username is tarin_yote.

Divided

2004-07-06T09:33:13Z

Ever feel greatly divided between this or that and because of such, you're never really sure that you'll get what you truly want? *snickers* Well, that's me and my life, and has been since I can remember. I've had a lot of good times and a lot of bad times, more good than bad I'd say, but I'm still haven't crossed that threshold where I can honestly say that I'm truly happy. I'm content, yes, but true happiness is a good step above that. Oh well, I'll live, at least I know that I can be happy and I believe that I can attain such. However, don't get me wrong, I'm not bitching and I'm not saying my life is bad by no means, it could be so, so, so much worse without a doubt.

Now getting back to the main point, my life is an impasse at the moment. I'm currently employed in a job that pays pretty decent and just got a good raise. However, while that's all fine and dandy, I could be getting significantly more and more stability if a couple other things had worked out a bit differently. Nevertheless, if I hadn't of gotten the job I did, when I did, who knows what would have happened to me or where I'd be. I shudder to think.

But still, I know that I can do better and while there is a possibility my job could evolve into something better and permanent, there is certainly no guarantee. It's the element of the unknown that both intrigues and worries me. When it gets down to it, I just want to be able to relax, not worry about such trivial things, and truly enjoy life.

At the moment though, I am stuck in the middle of things, which is not an unusual situation for me, quite the contrary in fact. I don't want to be though. My job, for example, is a semi-professional one. However, it has all the restricting factors of both a professional (white collar) and non-professional (blue collar) job. Professional jobs offer freedom in the form of either more money, better benefits, and paid vacation time, while non-professional jobs often offer more flexibility of scheduling and general personal freedom. While pro jobs are more restricting in a sense, they are more rewarding. And while non-pro jobs are less rewarding in a sense, they offer more personal freedom.

In this regard, I make a decent amount of money, but not enough to be white collar, yet I don't have the personal freedom that many blue collar workers have. My job is stressful and as it has many deadlines, I can't just take a day off whenever I want, let alone a week. In a strange way, I envy both of the other types of jobs sometimes as they each offer something that I do not yet have: more $ or more freedom.

However, I've got a plan and I'm beginning to work on it. This plan will likely come to fruition -- if things go well and barring any horrible misfortunes -- three to five years down the line (shorter if things work out better, longer if worse). My plan is to have a permanent, better paying job in my field, and to have a modest house. I have began saving money for such, slowly but surely, and I will continue to do so. This will take a long while, but it is possible and that is my goal.

After that, all I'd need is a mate and I would be beyond happy. Hell, that's all I really need, but the other two would be icing on the cake. If I am so lucky to accomplish all three in this timeframe, I would really have all I'd ever need. So simple, yet so insanely difficult at the same time.

And anyone who has a loving mate, you know who you are, male or female, young or old. You are some lucky bastards and don't forget or neglect what you have. But congratulations as well, you've already won.

Good Stuffs

2004-06-19T16:33:41Z

Well, I got a raise at work, a pretty decent one at that too (25% increase). As I'm a contractor on a fixed rate, they had to technically redefine my job role and title. This officially will begin at the beginning of next month, and the only real changes (except getting paid more) that I will have to deal with much less administrative tasks and may have the opportunity to work on a few side projects that I proposed. This is definitely a good sign, as I've been flat-out kicking ass there over the last few months and this may very well pave the way for my future ambitions.

* * * * *

On a somewhat sad, somewhat glad note, I'm putting the plans I had of possibly going to night school to get my Masters on hold for the time being. I just don't have time at this point, as I feel like I hardly have enough time for almost anything other than work, sleep, and hanging out with friends when I can manage. Anyways, I think I'm going to settle for the five summer-less years of non-stop college and three degrees that I had for now.

* * * * *

A funny recent quote from a friend of mine back in college: "I find it especially ironic that PMS is the physiological equivalent of my body pitching a hissy fit because I didn't get pregnant this month. As if I ever WANT kids. Sheesh."

* * * * *

Regarding pride (you know that big, festive, gayer-than-gay-spelled-gaye event that'll be going on the weekend after next): yeah, I'm going. I'm not overly excited about it or anything, and I'm actually looking forward more to the party afterwards. Why? Well, to be honest, a lot of the so-called 'gay culture' annoys me. The unadulterated immaturity, irresponsibility, and drama, drama everywhere. Oh yeah, fun, fun stuff! Those are the gay stereotypes, and they DO exist for a significant portion of my queer brethren. And they exist because the bitchy, whiny, humorless little drama queens have to be FAAAAABULOUUUS in an attempt to make up for their lack of self-esteem and self-worth. There are more productive means to reach these aims, sweeties...

But anyways, I going and I'll have fun. However, I honestly don't feel particularly persecuted or discriminated against in general. I think I've been seriously called a faggot three times in my life, and all three of them happened to come from dumbshits in moving vehicles, and in all situations I yelled some not-so-nice-things in response. And the last time that happened, a little fight broke out and such, but hey, I dealt out a lot better than I took. Such a bunch of pussies...

I guess that's my form of activism.

* * * * *

These are so fucking stupid, but what the hell, it's just too inane to resist :P

How to make a Tarin

Ingredients:

3 parts friendliness

3 parts self-sufficiency

3 parts ego

Method:
Blend at a low speed for 30 seconds. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of emotion

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Oh come on, my ego isn't that big...yet.

Quick update

2004-06-04T08:21:59Z

It's been a busy month or so, though good for the most part and drama free. A recent recap of events:

Took much needed vacation from work last week, which gave me time to relax, get some things done (including one little thing I've been meaning to do for years), and hang out with a good friend from CA who came up to visit. I haven't drank like that since I was a freshman in college, or on one of my archaeological digs back in those days. There's never enough time though, it seems.

I tried working out again last night, after being too busy for such for several weeks. I took it easy though and was having a good work-out until a freak accident occurred. I was doing sitting (AKA preacher) curls on a machine (cables, pulleys, and metal stack weights), when suddenly the carabiner attaching the metal bar/handle and cable snapped in the middle of an hard rep, which sent the metal rod slamming into my face with a lot of force. It didn't really hurt much, as my mouth went instantly numb, but it cut the fuck out of my mouth (one on the outside, two on the inside and one nasty one in the gums). I was pissed and bleeding a lot, as my mouth was filling with blood. Luckily and surprisingly I didn't do any damage to my teeth, and the swelling has gone down considerably. But work today wasn't too fun, as I spend a lot of time on the phone on the job and it hurts to talk. I'm still debating a bit whether I should do something about this, as I'm annoyed that even happened and the fact that someone (or I, for that matter) could have been seriously hurt. I can't honestly remember when I've been hit that hard in the mouth, but I must admit though that I'd have laughed my ass off if I had seen that happen to someone else, or hell, even at myself if I had a video of it. :P

Work has been brutal this week, as I'm basically doing two weeks work in four days (memorial day hampered things a bit). Though it looks like I can pull it off, as I always have a trick or two up the sleeve.

Anyways, theres been a lot of good things and only a few bad, and I certainly won't let them get me down. My birthday's coming up soon too, so that should be interesting. Unfortunately it's on a Monday, but hey, you can't have everything.

Oh please, this is getting rediculous...

2004-04-23T12:34:03Z

Take a look at this link to a livejournal entry, which someone other the 'author' notified me off. Don't you love it when someone just posts baseless rumors and flat-out nonsense behind your back, particularly someone you went well out of your way to help just because. *sighs and rolls his eyes* I just thought he had more class than this. Oh well, to each their own...

http://www.livejournal.com/users/jungessio/2542.html

Happy Jesus Zombie Day everyone!

2004-04-12T06:22:06Z

...and remember, if you want to take him down for good, shoot 'im in the head.

Real update

2004-03-27T22:02:00Z

This is a real update, I guess, the last one just a silly train of thought that probably broke down into nonsense.

So I've been working a lot lately. My bank account is slowly, but surely starting to accumulate, and my life is stabilizing. My contract at MS is expiring soon, but they are more than more than likely to extend it for as long as I want up to a year (stupid contract policy). Simply put, they would be fools not to as they couldn't possibly handle the case load there without me and they'd be backlogged and in a major rut for at least a couple months. I see no signs of them doing the latter, quite the contrary in fact. They've been treating me respectfully, and I'll be by far the most experienced person in my group when one of my co-workers leaves after next week. However, at the same time, I've begun to look for bigger and better things myself. I may have a small window of opportunity to get the job I truly want, and I'm gonna ante up and see how the cards fall. Also, I might be starting work for my master's degree in the fall and I'll be finding out more information regarding that in the coming weeks.

On a personal note, I've had my ups and downs, been busy and burned-out at times. Nothing major. There's also been just more than a bit of drama sweeping across the local front lately, and rumors have been flying. The ones I've heard have been mostly untrue and frivolous, though it makes me wonder sometimes if rumors of these natures are floating around about me. That'd be be kind of screwy, but when you get a bunch of gossiping furs together, it's worse than a sewing circle. But if there are, I'd absolutely love to hear them ;)

Anyways, time has been passing quickly, weekends seem shorter, but I've still managed to keep my direction and long-term goals. The next few years are going to be interesting no doubt, and there will be many stumble-bums and rocky roads to traverse before I have what I want, then I can relax. Though when I think about it, part of me wouldn't have it any other way. And the other part of me, well, he'd sometimes like to kick the former right in balls :P

Baa goes the sheep, Bah goes the 'yote

2004-03-24T06:06:43Z

It's been awhile since I posted anything to old WhineJournal, so I feel it's about time for another entry. Why, I don't know. I'm not mad, and I'm not sad. I'm a bit tired, a bit disappointed in things outside of myself, the goings on as they say. I've been working, and thinking, and plotting my ambitions, slowly attempting to move the pieces in place where I can reach what I truly want. It's working a bit, it's coming slowly, going surely, but unsteadily at the same time if that makes any sense. It doesn't seem much does these days. Disappointment's a bitch, eh? And people are bitches. Well many of them anyways, and it's not the nice fuckable variation of such to which I'm referring. People are being people, and people are being sheep, yet they think they're being wolves. Silly, no doubt, but sadder so. Respect is earned and acquired through merit, it can be be lost but never given freely. I respect everyone to a degree, some a lot, lot more, but I really put no one on a pedestal. That would include a god too, if such a ridiculous thing existed or existed. Happiness is abound, catch it if you can, and stop being a whining, sniveling bitch. If you want to be a bitch, bend over and lube up, and be the happy, pleasant variety. Then perhaps you can call me for assistance...

snickers

2004-01-14T08:14:01Z

http://btc3x4.che.uni-bayreuth.de/~tl/Lenore/lenore01.swf

Fuckin' A, eh?

2004-01-11T11:49:36Z

Well, what a difference a month can make, eh? To all those concerned, I'm doing quite well right now. Got my own place, just landed a contract position with microsoft, and got a cable modem. Things are most definitely on the upswing, which I coincidently predicted they would be soon in my last post. I've always managed to come through when things seemed the darkest and when it's getting down to the wire, and I repeated this trend again. Woot!

To all those who've stuck with me through my recent hardships, I sincerely thank you. You know who you are, and this particularly goes out to a certain household in Redmond. And despite all the bad things that happened in the last few months, at least a few good things came out of it. My determination and focus have reached unparalleled levels and I've discovered who my true friends are, as opposed to those of the fair-weathered variety.

But it's a new year and good things are already beginning to happen. So I'm gonna let bygones be bygones and fuck the year 2003 softly with a big, rusty chainsaw. Here's to everyone getting their shit together this year and lets stop the fucking drama people.

Random thoughts

2003-12-29T13:05:51Z

I'm back in the Atlanta area for the moment, doing the whole holiday and x-mas thing, giving my parents their fix of me, and whatnot. I'll be back in the Seattle area on New Year's Eve, and I'm looking forward to it. It's not that I hate Atlanta or want to be away from my family or anything, it's just that this place isn't my home. It's just missing that feeling, that indescribable feeling that you can only know if you've felt it before. I've lived a lot of places in my life, both good and bad, they never really felt like home for one reason or another, probably because I didn't choose to live there.

I lived in a moving family growing up. I wasn't a military brat or anything, but I can sympathize as my dad got transferred somewhere else every 3-6 years due to corporate buyouts and all that fun stuff. So in my life, I've lived in a bunch of states, in a bunch of cities in a bunch of states, and in a bunch of places in a bunch of cities in a bunch of states. Currently the running totals would be six states, nine cities, and fourteen distinct addresses. And no, I'm not being an angsty little bitch whining that my childhood was stolen from me or whatnot, not at all. I'll admit that I've wished at times that I truly had a 'hometown' as a kid, but it was out of my hands then and you've gotta take the bad with the good. But I'm only 23 and I haven't gone out of my way to be nomadic, things just happened that way.

Anyways, as I've been visiting my family and friends back in Georgia, I've thought a bit more about all this and while I've enjoyed my visit so far, this just isn't my home. I live outside of Seattle, that's where I've chosen to live and that's where I do live now. I've made it my home, which makes it different from everywhere else I've lived. Now, while things haven't gone exactly the way I planned or hoped, I'm not a fucking quitter when the going gets tough and I'm gonna keep on keeping on. I've heard countless people ask me over the last few months if I was going to move back to Atlanta as to say it lightly, 2003 just hasn't been my year. But no, hell no, I'm not moving again. I literally sacrificed everything I have to get out there and I'll be more than damned if I didn't stick with it and make it work for me, one way or another.

But the wheels are in motion and I'm hopeful for 2004. My life will take a turn for the better. There is no question, I simply will not allow the contrary.

On the upswing, it seems

2003-12-14T05:24:30Z

OK, things are going much better now. Got over a tense and rather depressing series of bumps in the road and things seem to be going pretty good at the moment. I went to Ikea today with Señor Dragglepuss to get a few things for the apartment that I'll be moving into on Monday and took care of some business that needed taking care of. Also, I got admitted into a grad program (need to work out the details next week) and I have a realistic job prospect, let's hope it doesn't conflict with my x-mas vacation back to ATL. Anyways, if things go as I hope, my life will be quite good and orderly come 2004. I have my work cut out for me before then though, so many things to do, but I have a great track record under pressure, I always somehow find a way to get what I need done. An ex-bf once dubbed me the 'master of circumstance' *snickers* So, what else? I don't know, so much is going on that I can't pin half of the things down. On a comical note, I bought a big, sharp cleaver that's as sharp as a mo fuckah. Oh, did I mention that it was sharp? Well, I seemed to have forgotten that for a brief moment as I was testing out its slicing ability in opening a plastic product containment thingy (cleavers are choppers, mind you) and it slipped across my thumb. Well, I can atest that it was sharp as a razor blade as it cut through the flesh like hot butter. It didn't hurt, just bled alot, but nothing really serious. Funfun

Wow, that was sudden...

2003-11-15T13:40:24Z

Erf, my computer just got its ass royally kicked early this morning. Suddenly and out of nowhere it was hit and hit tremendously hard by a devious sircam virus. I honestly must say that I'm a bit impressed at how distructive it was to my system, wiping about 75% of it out in mere seconds. Viruses are getting fucking mean, I've never had one near this bad. But shit, in the end everything I managed to keep I really could care less about and everything I lost (years of emails, logs, documents, essays, stories, and other stuff I'd been archiving) was obliterated. Hell, it even shut down my anti-virus before it even had a chance. And the most annoying thing about it was that it came from a quicktime install on Apple.com. Remind me why I loathe Apple again, will ya... But anyways, I spent about ten hours today figuring out what happened and recovering, and reinstalling, and sorting, and I've gotta try to sort through my old backups soon to see if I can actually manage to salvage anything else. Sadly enough, my cd-burner wasn't working earlier that night when I actually was trying to make back-ups for the first time in quite a while. Oh, the irony...

Things and things

2003-11-04T08:13:50Z

Well, where to begin. Every time I'm about to post about something, it seems something else comes up and makes me forget what I was gonna post about. Things have been...well, awkward lately. I didn't get that job I talked about even though I had a great interview (job was a few levels higher up than I initially figured). However, my interviewer said she'd try and find a more appropriate level job for me as she seemed quite impressed by my knowledge. We'll see about that... I do have a few other prospects though, but nothing nearly as substantial.

But the biggest thing that happened recently was just a few hours ago: I'm now single again. Yes, the roo and myself are no longer a couple. While I must admit that I'd been expecting this for a couple weeks, I didn't expect it to come for at least a little while longer. I knew once I got my own place, it would be over and I was gonna ease it down until then, worrying about my now ex-bf's feelings. However, it came to a screeching halt quite suddenly today and quite out of the blue. He never has been one for subtlety or tact ;) He apparently had mutual feelings and it just happened. I must say that I was a little annoyed about the 'presentation' but after a long conversation and a touch of drama for drama's sake, said break-up happened.

Well, as can be expected, a bit of weirdness and awkwardness ensued, but when the dust finally settled, mutuality reigned supreme. It was nobody's fault. In the long run, it just wouldn't work, at least in our opinions. But we both seem to be cool about it and I certainly hope we both stay that way. It's nothing to ruin a good friendship over :)

I did have high hopes about this initially, we both did. Yes, a lot of doubts too, but a good deal of hope at first. So I can't say that I'm not disappointed at all that it didn't work out, as we both invested a lot of time and whatnot into the relationship, but what can we do? But I'm not disappointed in either of us, just a bit in the fact that I'm single again I guess. *shrugs* Such is life.

So were does the 'yote go from here? Good question, I kinda wish I knew, but at the same time I kinda don't...

The best laid plans...

2003-10-27T04:16:15Z

Things are weird and hectic these days. The next two weeks will likely decide the course of my life for the forseeable future. Three big things will likely be decided in the coming days: what type of job I'll have, where I'll be staying, and whether or not I'll be continuing my education.

Number one is the big one, and much of my life will seem to hinge upon whether or not I'll get the job I should be interviewing for in the next few days. If I get it, everything in my life will likely be excellent and I'll have little if any worries for quite awhile it seems. If I don't...well, it's back to the drawing board and I'll likely have to get a 'job' job, work well outside my desired field, getting little if any worthwhile experience, and earning considerably less. This seems to be my last chance at snagging my 'ideal job' for at least some time. It's amazing how much impact getting or not getting this position will have on my immediate future.

Number 2 is another big one, but if #1 goes through, I could probably afford my own place and I might not have to worry about it. But otherwise, I'll be in a bit of a bind. I likely can't stay at my current residence for very much longer and the three pontential housing prospects I had been hoping for over the last few months have all been shot down it seems, one after the other. This concerns me quite a bit.

Number 3 is not quite so big, but it may have a big impact on my future in long run. I am very seriously considering going for a master's degree on the side. I am waiting to hear if I've been accepted (which I'd be quite surprised if I wasn't) and then if so, I have to decide if it's economically viable. It wouldn't be cheap, and if #1 goes through, I would have more money and my employer might even help to defray the cost. I would really like to get my master's and I think it would definitely make me much more employable in this stagnant economy, but it would come with a price, both in time and money.

So, my work and future are cut out for me. I'm a bit nervous about it all, which is fairly uncommon with me. This has been an interesting last couple months, filled with both great joy and tremendous frustration. But I'm trying to keep my head high and keep pushing forward. I just fear the very real possibility that that might not be enough to achieve what I truly want.

But if I must bow out, I'm gonna go out swinging damnit...

Stuff

2003-09-19T08:58:06Z

Hmmm, I guess it's been awhile, so an update may be in order. I've been a bit annoyed for the last few days, so I'm indulging and a bit tipsy at the moment, so excuse my grammar and spelling as it'll probably be skewed. So what's been up with me? Shit, I don't know where to begin. A lot of good things, quite a lot, but at the same time the little annoyances seem to over-shadow everything sometimes, eh? Well, I'm up in Seattle, fairly settled in, finally got a car (at a very good deal as well), and I've got someone to care about. So what the hell am I complaining about, one might ask? Well, mainly the fact that I'm still unemployed at the moment. I still have a decent bit of savings, so it's not really about money yet. However, I like to work, I like to be industrious and productive and other similiar words. I feel lazy at times, even though I've been rather busy in one way or another. But just this week I got nearly everything else I needed to take care of done, so I'm focusing full-force on the job search, which I already have been doing for the last few weeks. So, the results? I've been contacted by a few recruiters about very, very good jobs with very, very nice salaries, but in the end someone with more experience seems to get them.

Now here comes the paradox... I could get a job that pays around $10 an hour easily I'm sure, but when I'm getting seriously considered for jobs that would pay $23 an hour or more, how can I sell myself short? Why can't there be jobs that pays in between for those with out several years of experience? If I take a job of the former nature, it gets me nowhere, as it doesn't give me any of the work experience I so desperately want. If I got a job of the latter nature, I'd be quite set, though it appears that they're seeking applicants with years of experience. So, where the fuck do you get the experience? Usability testing is not something you can gain experience on by yourself, it needs to be conducted in a formal setting. I have tons of research experience, three college degrees, and some significant work experience. However, I don't have a whole lot of industry experience, and that seems to be the damn sticking point. Fuckedyfuck.
After five intensive years of college with no summers off, 155 semester credits, years of work, and thousands and thousands of dollars (I've come to a rough estimate of $150,000+ in both actual expenses and missed salaries), I just can't take a minimum wage type of job. I'm not that desperate yet.

Oh well, smile :)

Random thought: I made a comment to someone a couple months ago that I haven't been punched in the face so far this year, which is a record as I used to box and spar and whatnot. This is still true after that somewhat overblown hatecrime thingy that happened last month. But I hit that s.o.b. there a decent number of times :P

I was the victim of a hatecrime and all I lost was this lousy T-shirt ;)

2003-08-14T04:30:02Z

OK, well actually it was a nice new T-shirt, but I digress. But seriously, I am now considered to be the victim of a violent hate crime after an incident that happened Monday evening in Bellevue, WA, my new home. Welcome to Seattle, eh :P So what happened:

In the eve of a rather pleasant day, myself, Odi, Verger, and John were walking to a foodstore when out of the blue, a passenger from a random passing car yelled something to the matter of (at least to my ears) "...you fat fucking faggots..." I paused, blinked, and said WTF to myself before I turned around and yelled something not particularly nice in return back, in accord to the rest of my group. I stopped and lagged a bit behind as the virtually hairless passengers of the car yelled more derogatory statements and threateningly waved what appeared to be a nightstick out the window. I noticed the car turn into the apartment complex we just came out of and stop, then I grew quite attentive as the two angry bigots came running out towards me (one quite large, 6'+, 200+ lbs, and the other my size, but brandishing a standard issue nightstick). I began to walk towards them as well and said "What the fuck's your problem?" before jumbo-bigot pushed me in the chest fairly hard. At this point I stepped forward and cursed, before ducking an elbow or a punch and then the big bigot started to try to wrestle me to the ground. I began to try and twist my larger assailant to my left to both keep him off balance to get out of the way from the stick-wielding prick as best I can. My t-shirt was torn immediately and apparently the billyclub-bigot began to strike me across the back. I didn't realize that at the time, as I quite literally had my hands full. As soon as my shirt was torn, the first thought that came to mind was "That fucker just tore my new shirt" and I started to punch him with my free right hand. Unbeknownst to me, at this time Verger had pushed the guy with the stick away from me and I continued to throw short, compact right hooks to the body and head of the bigger guy before I got my left hand free and began to use it as well. I quickly drove him back with a series of left and right hooks, that while were rather un-refined and crude, were quite effective at the same time. Coming from a boxing background, I am quite confident in fighting with my hands, but at the same time I would probably cringe at seeing the lack of form I likely displayed in such. But I wasn't exactly in a calm and collected state of mind and my reactions were instinctual, as I just waqnted to beat the living hell out of that asshole. Now, everything is a tad hazy from here on out as it all happened so quick, but as I went after him with both fists flying, he stumbled back to the other side of the road before he fell forward and tried to tackle me in a seemingly desparate act; I guess big, good ole boys don't like getting whupped by smaller queers ;) Anyways, he wasn't too agile and pushed him off me, causing him to fall near my feet. At this point, I reached down and struck him with a clean and solid right cross across his face and I immediately backed off to reaccess the situation, namely, to see where the other bigot was? I'm a bit annoyed that I did this, as I could've kept hitting jumbo or stomped him in the face, but at the same time, I didn't exactly want to chance getting clobbered on the back of my head by a nightstick (I did not yet know Verger came in to help). Anyways, stickbigot was out of immediate proximitely and appeared panicky, as the big bigot got up and tried to get me in a headlock. I heard the smaller bigot yell "Let's go" as hit the other one a few times before breaking the hold and pushing him away. At this point they grabbed their dropped items and proceeded to run away. While I blinked and rather calmly accessed the situation, even asking quite stupidly "What the fuck was that all about?" to the fleeing assailants. I looked around a bit befuddled at what just had occurred and tried to see if anyone had been hurt, which, minus a few fingernail scrapes I had not (though I later discovered that I'd been hit at least twice across the back with the nightstick). I felt fine, but unfortunately my poor friend verger's hand was cut and the back of his head was bleeding after he apprently hit it on the ground during his tussle with the nightstick guy.

Anyways, the cops came, tons of them, got a plethora of information from us and other witnesses, including what we think was their license plate number, and then they sent Verger off to the hospital in an ambulance to get the cut on the back of his head stitched up. Don't worry, he's fine now. But nevertheless, I was still quite surprised all this happened, just completely random. But anyways, I feel a bit bad about Verger as I was unhurt, and it would've likely been my head bleeding if he'd not jumped in. In the end though, we stood up to a couple bigots, and I know that I gave much better than I got, as the big biggot never hit me and I hit him several times. I wish I could see his face the morning after ;)

All in all, it really didn't bother me all that much, just surprised me. I was joking about it minutes afterwards and still am. When a friend randomly bumps in to me I'll cry 'hatecrime' and I'll refer to the nightstick marks on my back as 'hate bruises' ;) I know, it's not PC and is just weird, but I guess it just didn't get me down. I also find it a bit amusing that I definitely got the better of the big guy that directly assaulted me. Hell, I'd a made him my bitch if I had 'em alone for a minute :P

However, if or when these guys get caught, they'll be in for a world of shit. Let's see, the police officially classified this as a violetn 'hate crime' as the primary motivation for our assualt was our sexualities, and it's also assualt with a deadly weapon. In any case, if they're caught, they're seriously screwed. And if someone asks them what they're in for in prison, what can they say, 'We tried to beat up a couple of fags with a stick and whatnot, but they turned the tables on us, and well, uh..."?

On a related note, check out Odi's LJ post about the incident for a more serious perspective. Odious_Kangaroo - Hate Crime in Bellevue

But in a parting note, I'm fine, don't worry about me, I'm a big 'yote. My back is a bit sore and my right shoulder a bit likewise from wrestling and punching, but I'll be just fine. And I've been having a very good time up here in the Seattle area. I've been quite busy, but having a blast nonetheless.

I hope everyone is good as well, and hatecrime-free :)

Re: motivation...

2003-08-05T06:39:08Z

Wow, the full magnitude of what I'm about to do is starting to set in. In less than a weeks time, I'll be in Seattle again, this time for good. It's gonna be tough no doubt, but that's what I need, without a challenge I'm lazy and I can't honestly say that I've truly been challenged in quite a while. Many people think I'm an overachiever, some perhaps because of their own personal shortcomings, but that is simply not true. I'd like to be, but I haven't even come close to my potential as of yet. When people ask me what I majored in in college, I usually try to downplay it a bit for a couple reasons. In part because I don't want to come across as a high-headed elitist, but mostly 'cause I simply didn't think college was that hard. Granted, it took some adjusting and there were several difficult classes, but once I found my groove, I didn't have many problems. I can't help but feel kinda disappointed. When I transferred over to a major university (The University of Georgia, which has 30,000+ students), I quickly added a second major as I realized I could. A year later, I added a third, as I felt that would greatly motivate me. I went to class full-time, every semester including summers for five years, never dropping a class and by the time I was done, I had 155 semester credits, three degrees, and all before my 23rd birthday. But I'm not satisfied with that. The other reasons for triple majoring were that I didn't want to limit myself and I because I was genuinely interested in the subject matter. Now I want a masters, and I want a full-time job...no, a full-time career. Can I have my cake and eat in too? We'll see ;)

So how did I go off on that tangent? Oh yeah, I'm moving to Seattle in less than a week, which is likely no surprise to those that actually read my LJ, as I probably have mentioned in damn near every post. This is not a spur of the moment thing, as I've been basically planning on moving for just about an entire year now. Things are working out quite well as of thus far, though I'm having to make quite a few sacrifices. I'm gonna miss my family, my friends, and lots of other things, but I'll only be a 5 hr plane trip, a phone call, or an instant message away :) This is gonna be hard, but it's something I have to do. These kind of opportunities only come a few times a lifetime, and I have to go for it and take that risk, for better or worse. I think everything will work out though, I have a think about making things work and getting things done even when I'm not trying. Now I'm gonna be trying my ass off ;)

More random musings

2003-07-06T09:18:08Z

This hasn't exactly been my most exciting 4th of July weekend in my life, in fact probably quite the contrary. I worked 34.5 straight hours, from 10:00 AM Friday to 8:30 PM Saturday, not counting a 35 mile commute each way. This is a new personal record, and as much as I'd like to have done something fun, I needed the money as I'm saving up for the most important decision of my life. I'll enjoy next years twice as much, and maybe I'll do something tomorrow if I wake up while the sun is still shining. I'm a bit tired now, so let's see if I can make it through this :)

This year has been a rocky road so far, but at the same time, a very important and good one overall. I've had my share of hardships and frustrations no doubt, but at the same I can honestly say that I'm quite content with my life for the time being, and it appears that it will be better than ever in the next couple of months. I'm currently searching for a career-type job as I'm planning my grand exodus, and at the same time, I've somewhat recently become reaquainted with a friend I met a few months ago. We're getting along rather well, to say the least :)

One of my dad's favorite sayings is "In a 100 years, no one will care." First of all, coming from someone who's rather 'old-fashioned' and often gets upset or worried by minor things, I always found that rather strange. Also, the more I think about that phrase, the more I wonder if it's optimistic or pessemistic. At first glance, it gives the impression of a carpe diemesque philosophy, do what want while you can and the hell with the naysayers. But at the same time, it kinda seems to have a pessemistic, jaded edge to it, reassuring us that life is finite and suggesting that everything might just not be as important as we think. I guess it all depends on how you look at things.

On leaving Athens, Atlanta, GA, et al...

It seems some people are possibly misinterpreting my plans to leave the state of Georgia in search of greener pastures as, at least to some degree, reflecting on my opinions on them, themselves. I am not leaving because of something, someone, or whatnot, I'm running or seeking to escape from some personal demons, and I'm not seeking to 'start-over' My life is quite decent here, BUT....I'm just not satisfied with that. I've been living in a constant state of 'OK' for the longest time, and while I'm not particularly deprived of anything, my life could be significantly better. That's what I'm going for, because if I stay here, I'll reach a point of stagnation, a state of personal limbo and I don't want that to happen. Atlanta is not a bad place, in fact it's one of the better places I've lived. I, however, like Seattle better. I just do. It's all personal taste, some people just like this better than that, or the contrary. There's more opportunities for me there, and whenever I've been there, a certain inner emptiness is filled. It's odd, but it's not like I'm a native Georgian. I've lived in the states of IL, MS, NC, PA, and GA. All up and down the East coast basically, and while I've found places I've liked and disliked, I've never truly felt like any of them were my 'home' In addition, I've visited countless other states and cities across the country, and Seattle sticks out for me. It's a combination of things, and this combination keeps steadily increasing and making my eminent move more and more desirable. In fact, this isn't speculation, I'm doing it. I really am. But for those that remain in GA and those that know me locally, know that I do not want to just simply up, skip, and jump town, never to think of this place again. I've lived here six years this month now, I've made dozens of friends and aquaintances, and I've experienced some of the best times of my life. In fact, I've been happier and more successful here than anywhere else overall. But still I must go. If I delay such, it may never happen and I'll sit and regret what might have been. I'll be a liar, a hypocrite, and something even worse than all of those. I'd be denying myself the best possible future, among other things. I think the most difficult thing will be moving away from my parents and my brother, who I all love very much. But this is what must be done. However, I will be back. And I'll only be a five hour plane trip, or a phonecall, or an e-mail, or instant message away.

OK, my eyes are flashing and text is becoming uneven, need sleep immediately....

Relief

2003-06-30T21:20:45Z

Things change, and just like that, everything is different. Good news, today's procedure revealed that open heart surgery was not necessary for my father and the problem was corrected. So, that's a gigantic relief. I sincerely thank everyone who was tried to help me through this, as short as it lasted and as few as I told. And now back to your regularly scheduled programming...

I don't know what to say...

2003-06-29T18:01:17Z

It seems all I've been writing about is bad news lately, which is odd because I'm usually an upbeat and positive person. However, I just don't know what to say about this...

Yesterday my father had a heart attack. I was in town to get my car inspected to file an insurance claim regarding the break in of my car (see last post) and to go to a local furmeet that evening. I witnessed the entire thing and at the time it didn't seem that severe, in fact we didn't think it even was a heart attack until after my mom and I took him to the hospital. This came out of the blue and he's never had heart trouble before and is hardly 'old' at 54. He was quite surprised himself, but seemed to be handling it OK. So after visiting him for awhile and realizing that there's little else I could do, and that the treatment appeared to be going well, I went over to my brother's apartment for dinner before going the party. All throughout this time I was very calm and collective.

I had a decent time there, particularly given the circumstances, but as the night crept on, it gradually began to dawn on me the extent of this incident, and the potential consequences of such. There's no such thing as a minor heart attack. This began to weigh on me heavily as I went to sleep, having little success doing so due to various reasons.

In the morning, I called my mother and she informed me that he'd been moved to a different hospital and she had a tinge of worry in her voice. My natural conclusion at that point: complications. So I skipped out on breakfast and whatnot with the FLORA group, as I was neither hungry nor in the state of mind to remain there. I kept it to myself as best I could and didn't let on what was wrong either during the party or afterwards, as I certainly didn't want to spoil the cheerful mood.

Anyways, I don't know what's gonna happen. My father is going for a procedure Monday to determine the extent of the problem, and if necessary, will have open-heart surgery on Tuesday. And if all of the above don't work, well...I really don't want to think about that possibility, even though I can't help but to.

I can't help but think of the possibility that my father might die. The consideration of such would've been absolutely ludicrous this time yesterday, but now the chance of such exists. If that did occur, however, it would be indescribable how terrible it would be. I really don't think this will happen though, it better fucking not.

This all has caused me to do a lot of thinking, and it really goes to show how we take things for granted. We underestimate the preciousness of life and overestimate stability. I'm not saying you should worry or whatnot, but don't lose focus of what's truly important and don't let little things get in the way. Life is too short for petty disputes, foolishness, and stubbornness. It seems we never really realize what we have until we lose it, or think about losing it at least. So don't make that mistake, value what you already have and those that care about you and love you. Enjoy what you have, while you have it, and don't get caught up in all this pointless bullshit that seems to be the norm. We live fragile lives in a world of illusions, so we need to take advantage of what's finite and real and don't let it all go to waste.

And to everyone out there who may be worried about me...don't. I can handle myself and I won't do anything irrational. Besides, I have enough other people to worry about. But please do excuse me if I'm distracted, or un-talkative, or if I'm just not myself for the time being. I'm kinda going through an emotional roller-coaster at the moment.

I wuz robbed!?!

2003-06-08T04:04:23Z

Literally, I was robbed. After having a rather nice chat with a good 'friend' ;) of mine and as I was preparing to go to bed, I was notified by roommate that we'd just been robbed. This was at 4:00 Friday morning, and I incredulously responded, "You're fuckin' me!?" So I got up, went outside, and sure enough, I had just been robbed, well my car had been to be exact. Oh was I pissed, so pissed in fact that I actually wasn't pissed, so much that I was actually quite calm. It turned out that the fuck(s) that did it broke into both one of my roommates and my car, stealing our respective CD players, my CD case (containing 25+ of my favorite albums) and my camera (which had a half a roll of undeveloped film from my recent camping trip and whatnot).

I was feeling peachy...

Well, so after walking around the street hoping in vain to catch the suspect(s) with a roomie for a little while (just in case they were still at it), we waited till dawn and called the police. Finally, after dealing with the police, calling my mom, and everything else, I finally crashed about 9:00. Well, I was awoken around 2:00 by a phone call from my boss, and found out that I was needed to work that night and that I could come in early if I wanted. I needed the money, so I almost immediately headed over and began a shift that would end up lasting 29 hours. I finally got back around 9:30 PM on Saturday night, thoroughly missing the often taken-for-granted aspect of a car stereo. A beautiful start to my weekend, but on the bright side, I probably pulled in around $200 for my shift, and hopefully I'll get some insurance money to cover what I lost in the theft.

So that's about it for now, my mind's blanking...

Random musings

2003-05-27T08:26:48Z

* * * * *
One of my co-workers said something amusing recently. We work with two guys with mental disabilities and they'll often say random comments or nonsensical responses to questions. In this instance, my co-worker asked one of the guys where he wanted to go and the guy responded, "In your butt." Without hesitation, my co-worker came back with, "Only special people get to go there," at which I burst out laughing. The guy didn't get it. Oh yeah, in case you didn't guess, my co-worker's gay.
* * * * *

It's not uncommon for random people to walk up to me in random places and say or do spontaneous and odd things. Just in the last few months a few examples of such occurred off the top of my head.

(1) A bald redneck with a long, streaming goatee who I randomly happened to make eye contact with in a food store, instantly smiled, then proudly and very seriously exclaimed, "I have respect for beer!" and nothing else. I blinked and nodded an affirmative, not really comprehending his words in my daze until a few seconds later, at which I quickly moved out of earshot and laughed my ass off, and was soon joined by my brother after pointing out the guy and telling him what he said.

(2) After just receiving confirmation that I had graduated for the second time after a computer error delayed such for a few months, a very happy me was walking through my college campus towards my car when I was stopped by a 70-something year old lady, who I assumed would ask me directions or something similiar. Instead, the conversation went as follows.

"Excuse me sir, may I have you ask you a question?"
"Sure"
"Are you uptight"
"Whaaat?"
"Are you uptight?"
"No, not at all"
"It looks like college is a stressful place, and you looked uptight, I was just wondering...with all the tests and papers"
"I just graduated again, I'm actually real happy at the moment"
"Really? That's good, I just had to ask. Well, I've gotta get going, hope you have a good day"
"Likewise for you??"

(3) A week or so ago I was going into work to pick up a pay check they forgot to send me. I started to walk up the stairs to the payroll department while a random late-thirties women who I'd never seen before was filling out a job application. Then, out of the blue, I heard a voice.

"I guess you don't have to go to the YMCA at all"

I stopped and looked around, and realized that I was the only other person in the room. So figuring that I misheard what the women said, I responded.

"I'm sorry, what was that?"

"It doesn't look like you have to go to the YMCA at all"

"What?" laughing a bit in confusion.

"It looks like you get plenty of exercise"

"Okay...uh, Thanks"

(4) I was at a birthday party of a former bf and it was a very tame party. The party hadn't really started yet, and only myself and a few other people were drinking at the time. So as I really didn't know anyone there except my former bf and as I was waited for people who I knew to arrive, I struck up a conversation with a guy who was sitting next to me in boredom. After a few seconds of talking he asked me who I knew here, so I said I really only knew my former bf. Then the conversation went as follows.

"Oh, so you're gay?"
"Yep"
"I wouldn't have guessed"
"I get that a lot"
"Well, I'm kinda too"
"I kinda figured, most people here are"
"I was wondering something?"
"Shoot"
"Have you ever gotten a blowjob from a 17-year old guy?"
"Uh, no...I can't say that I have"
"I just turned 17...," which caused me to cringe a bit, knowing exactly where this was going.
"Oh, I wouldn't have guessed"
"Would you like to get your cock sucked by a 17-year old guy?"
"Uh, well...," trying to play stupid and not hurt the guy's feelings at the same time.
"Can I give you a blow-job?"
"Well, I'm waiting for some friends"
"We can just go into the other room..."
"Well, this is my ex-bf's party and I think that'd be kinda rude to do that here," adding in a lie to smooth it over, "and I just starting dating this guy and I wouldn't feel right about doing that..."
"Please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't..."
"You're really attractive and I've never blown a guy before, please, just for a bit?"
"I can't"

After that he nodded sheepishly and I excused myself to talk with someone I met once before. Keep in mind that this wasn't a bar setting, he wasn't drinking at all, and the whole conversation lasted but a maybe a few minutes.

(5) While walking through the meat department in a local food store, an old man randomly asked me if I know about which are the good polish sausages. The incident turns into a 30+ conversation in the middle of the meat deparment in which this man proceeds to tell me his life story, which included growing up as an Afrikanner, his days a volunteer medic in WWII, his days as a Nazi P.O.W., his settling in Austria after the war, how he ended up in Athens, GA of all places with his family afterwards, and his love of the great sport of foosball.

(6) I was in Blockbuster with my brother and we were waiting in line to pay for a rental. A middle-aged, secretaryish looking woman walked up carrying a kids movie, a couple action movies, a comedy, and a slasher flick.

"Hmmm, would you like want a cookie?"

I shrugged and responded affirmatively, as did my brother, taking one as she offered it from a bag. She then stared at my brother again for a few moments before speaking again.

"Do you know who you look like"

My brother looked down and saw one of the movies she had was Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure, then responded.

"Let me guess, Ted?"

"No, Bill"

"Oh yeah," getting the names mixed up, "I've heard that before."

He had too, despite bearing basically no resemblance to that actor besides having blonde hair. He then went up to pay for the movie and I waited off to the side. The woman then looked at me and started to talk again.

"I really like watching movies, it's been awhile since I rented movies."

I nodded in response and she looked at me odd expression of hope on her face.

"I can't wait to get home...," at which I smiled and nodded, as the weather was rather nasty and such, before she continued, "to heaven"

At this, I blinked and looked at her oddly.

"Say what!?"

"It's such a beautiful, shining place, paved in gold and ivory. I can't wait to go there and get away from this place...away from ugliness...too much sadness and depravity..."

"Uh, okay...," taking a step to the side, looking over to see if my brother was done paying.

"Can I give you a rock"

"Uh, OK...Thanks," I responded and took what she gave me, just wanting to get the hell out of there. Just then my brother finished up, oblivious to our conversation, so I saw my chance for escape.

"Oh, well we better get going"

Then she smiled insanely and spoke again.

"You guys take care, and don't forget Jesus is great and good. He's our only hope and salvation from the terrible ravages of hell"

"OK, that's nice," and I quickly left and looked at the rock in my hand. It was a simple rock painted in a spattering of watercolors, though without any noticeable pattern or anything besides. Just the word 'GOD' in black. OK.

And these are just a few of many incidences like this that periodically just happen to me. It does make me wonder though, is there something about me that just attracts people to say random, weird things to me or that attracts odd people to talk to me.

Stick a fork in me...

2003-05-15T07:33:53Z

College is done, I graduated again and hopefully for good on Saturday. Woo! It really hasn't sunk in yet, but it feels a bit weird that I'm not going to classes anymore. After five years and three majors, this lifestyle had become almost engrained in me, now it's finally ending, but I'm glad of such. Simply put, I'm sick of school.

Let's see, 2 years of in 2 preschools, a year of kindergarten, 8 years of elementary and junior high in 3 schools, 4 years of high school at 3 schools, and 5 years of college at 2 universities (with no summers off). So the grand total is 20 years in 10 schools, and I won't even be 23 till next month. Too much school. Though the scary thing is that I'm starting to really want a masters degree, though I don't think I could take another two years of intensive school, at least not for awhile. I'm burnt-out, no doubt about it.

So what else is up? I ran into an ex-bf as I was getting plastered Saturday night, and I talked for awhile with him and his current bf. They're a good couple, I'm happy for them as I was worried about him for awhile :) We hung out all night and talked, I even played Twister for the first time in my life, with an added twist even. Was fun.

Now I just gotta figure out how to get to Seattle in the coming months, have my work cut out for me indeed...

Limbo

2003-05-03T05:44:36Z

I'm really not sure what's been going on lately, perhaps too many things have been going on that I can't keep track. It seems I've been alternating between days that are either very good or very boring, with very little variation otherwise. Today's been a boring one no doubt, as have the last few since my lectures ended, but last week was very entertaining.

School is about over, for good possibly. I've got one more exam left early next week sometime and it's over, and I'll have my hat-trick of social science degrees. Finally.
Right now my score is 151 credits gained, 4 to go. A great weight will be lifted off my shoulders when that last class and lab is over and everything is confirmed, it'll let me focus my energies on things of more importance, like figuring out how to get outta here :)

Oh yes, I think I'm really gonna do it, really. I just gotta work it all out. I'm part of a very nomadic sub-culture, but it's gonna be more difficult in some ways than others like me. First off, I don't have a mate that I'm moving to live with, like most other moving furs tend to have. Secondly, I plan on getting a careerish type of job once I get there, as I didn't go to college for as long as I did to short-change myself.
Thirdly, I want a proper move. I don't have a whole lot of stuff, but I want to keep what I have when I do so...particularly my dog.

And besides those things, many, many other things have to be worked out. How to get there, where to live once I do, where to work, etc., etc. What do I do about a vehicle? I need a new one, so do I get one here or there? How do I get my stuff up there? There's tons and tons of uncertainties that I need to figure out soon, very soon. And I also need a nice chunk of money, as I need security and a contingency plan just in case. I'm taking a big enough risk as it is, so I'm not going to so blindly. I need a few thousand bucks in case I have trouble finding a job or whatnot, and just in case other difficulties arise. Hopefully I'll get a nice bit of graduation and birthday money in near future, and I'm idly trying to find a second part-time job right now. But even if I get enough money, I still have to go about this just right, and I have my work cut out for me.

OK, what else is up? I'm not sure, I'm trying to straighten everything out, trying to keep up and not falter with my plans. Just got to figure out exactly what they are...